Wow, that was a long hiatus.
Exactly 8 months later, and we are mere days from the baby’s due date — March 31, 2013.
It’s been a surreal ride. At first, I struggled with some survivor’s guilt and stopped blogging because I know how painful the road has been for some and know that although we all have the capacity to be happy for others, it does not mean our hearts don’t get squeezed like a vice when we hear that yet another has somehow gotten pregnant, against all odds. At the same time, I was struggling with my own disbelief (as my last post conveys). I don’t think it was until my 5th month that I finally told work that I was pregnant. It must have been after our 5-month ultrasound when we were able to receive some confirmation that the baby was genetically healthy. I don’t even think I told my own parents we were pregnant until after our first trimester. And though I’m a regular user of facebook, I did not make any announcement of our pregnancy, and to this day, we have not done so. I have balked at and been pained by too many images of pregnancy sticks, ultrasound images, and baby bump photos to put others through it. Our pregnancy has felt like a private affair that we celebrate at different milestones with our close community and that has felt congruent for us in many ways.
For a long while, I refused to think about things we needed to do or buy to get ready for the little one. My partner was soon looking into cribs and gliders and I did the adult version of sticking my fingers in my ears while obnoxiously drowning him out, going “lalalalalalalalalala!!” In fact, I might have actually done that as we walked through Ikea one day and he wanted to show me some cribs. I think things began to finally feel real at about … the 6th month mark? Nevertheless, I referred to my kiddo as “kiddo” until perhaps the last 8 weeks or so when I’ve finally been able to say, “baby.”
Overall, pregnancy has treated me extraordinarily well. I did not struggle with any fatigue through the last 9 months, I didn’t struggle with any morning sickness, and my mood has also remained quite stable through it all. In the last trimester, I’ve been, of course, feeling more uncomfortable in my body, getting some heartburn, and having trouble sleeping due to the discomfort and having to pee more often at night. The worst might be the swelling that’s been happening in my legs, hands, and feet but all in all, I’ve been doing well and I feel so very grateful. Of course, these last few weeks have been extraordinarily uncomfortable as I’ve gotten bigger and bigger and bigger.
Another beautiful thing happened in the midst of all this magic. My 41-year-old best friend who has also been struggling with infertility (i.e., multiple miscarriages) for the past two years, told me shortly after I confirmed my pregnancy that she was also pregnant and was two weeks ahead of me. We were able to feel happy for each other, but detached for ourselves for quite some time. Things have felt surreal for us both but two weeks ago, she gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl. I saw my friend for a bit during her labor process and also soon after her baby girl was born and it really brought home to me just how real this really is. There really is a baby at the end of all this. Our birthing classes and all those books we have been reading is not just one big intellectual exercise!
And so as I sit on my glider in our nursery, breathing through yet another set of braxton hicks contractions, I can truly say that I am ready, in heart, mind, and (hopefully!) body, to bring tenacious little eggly wiggly – our baby – into this world.